So I’m reading this book called “UnChristian” for one of my classes at CIU and already God is showing me where I fall short. The author is David Kinnaman and he works for the Barna Group. He did all this research about what people think of Christianity and wrote a book on the results. All I have to say is Christians, we have a problem.

I’m not claiming to have this right at all, in fact I’m exclaiming exactly the opposite. I am a hypocrite. I play it off as if I have everything together all the time. I was just talking to a friend yesterday about the need for vulnerability at our school, but I even wear my openness as a mask sometimes to say, “Look at me, I’m so open!” It’s crap is what it boils down to. Christ called me to be counter cultural, radical, to follow him with an abandon recognizable by all as belonging to a follower of him and what have I done? Played church and hidden my brokenness and need for Christ daily from everyone.

I don’t trust God. I am convinced for some reason that I can run my life better than him. I love that old definition of insanity, “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.” You’d think I would have learned my lesson because when I hold the reins, life falls apart…hugely. If I really trusted God, my money issues wouldn’t matter because I know he’s going to give me strength in all circumstances. If I really trusted God, I wouldn’t walk around judging guys for their potential as my future mate because I know he holds my future in his hands. If I really trusted God, I would worship with wild abandon, never want to put my Bible down, be giving everything I could to serving those around me who haven’t heard his name yet, and living my life as if losing it didn’t matter. There is a reason that God has been reminding me that I should trust him because he loves me this year…It’s because I’M NOT LISTENING!!! Why? Why is this so hard? Because I’m weak and fallen and sinful and finite and human. I’m not worthy of anything, but Christ died for me anyway. If I really believed the gospel the way I say I do, I wouldn’t live my life in the shadows like I do.

So for those of you out there that I’ve given the wrong view of Christ, I apologize. I apologize for every lie, every harsh word, every inappropriate laugh, every mean word said behind your back, every hateful thought I’ve held in my heart about you, every time I could have loved you better or at all and I didn’t. I know Christians aren’t perfect and I’m probably the farthest of them all, but I want you to see Jesus. I am meant to do good works before men so you may see the Father and praise him for what he’s done. Jesus died for me yes…but he died for you, and I’ve forgotten to tell you. Please, take the time to see past my sinfulness to the sinless savior who has covered for your sin that you may come before the throne of God in a new light. God only sees what Jesus has done for me, not what I still do. Thank God I don’t have to earn my way to him. We all fall short of God’s holiness, but Jesus gives us a chance to take on his holiness and receive grace and eternal life with him. I hope you’ve seen Jesus in me. I hope you’ll see him even better in me tomorrow because he’s making me more like him, slowly but surely. I’ll never be perfect, I’ll probably disappoint you again (chances are high in the next few minutes) but I am made new and my heart is different now. I pray that God would help me to love you more. If I’m not being loving, please let me know. Sometimes I need to be reminded that as much as I think I have it together, this life is not about me and when I make it about me, it loses its purpose. I love you and I hope I can encourage you and help you with whatever you may need.

Lord, here’s my life. May I love like you love, not only in word but in deed and truth. May my actions match my words that the world may see and give you all the glory. May I become less and you more. May I be reminded what you made me for: to worship you and love others as myself.

Love from Jesus,

April <><

So, last week I had a birthday. The big 2-5. I’m not going to lie, coming up to it was very daunting. Until I stopped focusing so much on the number and started focusing on what God has done in these 25 years before my birthday. It turned out to be the best week ever (great enough that I decided to turn 25 every year :)). My sister came to visit and brought me great stuff (Sun Drop!!!) then a friend cooked me dinner twice. I was also fixed cupcakes and a cake (red velvet! the best!!!) and taken out for a manicure/pedicure and lunch. Not to mention the cards, well wishes, and 80 some emails from Facebook posts wishing me happy birthday in all its forms. Overall a super awesome week with lots of attention paid to me and love from all sides.

Don’t get me wrong, none of this was bad in and of itself, but what I let it do to my heart was. Last week was at very few points a reflection on what God has done for me. The glory was all on me, the attention turned to how “awesome” I was, and my assurance lay in how many people were noticing me. You see, despite all the cool things that happened last week, God decided to use it as a lesson in idolatry. Sunday morning (after my birthday) our pastor talked about approval and how it’s a necessary thing in this world, but that our ultimate approval must come from God. I should be seeking his approval of the way I’m living above all else. Last week, my approval came from how many people wished me happy birthday through Facebook and face to face. Then, Sunday night, I went with a friend to Midtown and the pastor talked about idolatry. God opened my eyes in such a real way to realize that because loneliness is my fear, relationships have become my idol. I’ve put how many friends I have and how often we hang out and they approve of me above what God has for me as HIS child and HIS chosen beloved. My identity and approval must firmly rest in him. Yes, I must seek the approval of this world to a certain extent, but for the ultimate goal of living my life as a reflection of Christ in me, not so the world thinks I’m good enough.

This was a hard lesson and when I realized what God was saying, I was upset. “Come on God. My birthday is only once a year. Isn’t it ok to be the center of attention?” It wasn’t because I was pulling the attention off the one it should have been on, the Lord!!! I am his humble servant. His is the ultimate approval I should be seeking. So it was ok that I enjoyed my birthday and had a great time. I thank all my friends that made it an amazing week, but I have to confess and apologize that I turned you all into an idol to be worshiped because it made me feel loved and accepted. I thank God for opening my eyes to this through circumstances that normally wouldn’t happen.

The pastor at Midtown also made another interesting point. He talked about an idolatry class he teaches and how in that class, the students write their idols on a clay plate-type thing and carry it around to remind them of the things they need to be aware of that sneak between them and God. He talked about how some people carried them around for months before destroying them once they had dealt with their idols. He didn’t condemn these people for taking such a long time, but instead praised the Lord that he had brought freedom from those things. Often we talk about nailing our sins to the cross and being done with them, but too often times this is immediate and not truthful because we haven’t taken the time to recognize them and work through them. So I may carry this idol of needing relationships and people to notice me for a while, but eventually my worship of Jesus will push it out and it will have no place in my heart. I anxiously await that day and thank the Lord for the healing work he has already started in my heart. 🙂

Thanks for a great birthday week Lord and for all the work you’ve done in my life. I pray that the next 25 years will be a blessing to those around me and a chance to give you all the glory, honor, and praise you deserve!!!

Love,

April <><

So, despite how rough this semester has been, God has given me a great peace about the end of it. Things are not over. I’ve really only scratched the surface of some of the major personal things I’ve been dealing with this semester, but despite that, I have gained a better understanding of who God has made me to be. I am very thankful for the struggles of this semester. As it says in James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Even though it’s been painful and I know it’s not the end, I can count it all joy because My God is making me complete and more like His Son. God’s plan is perfect and though I may not trust it at times, in the end it is the best plan for my life, better than anything I could even begin to imagine. I have also learned that God is a God of growing. My impatience will not make Him move any faster in my life. No matter how many times I ask Him to change my heart or to cut some temptation from my life, He’s not going to do it until He’s good and ready and will get the most glory from it. Over these past 15 weeks, lots of things have come up. I’ve struggled with my class load, I’ve battled an ongoing temptation, I’ve begun to accept myself for who I am and not who other people think I should be, I’ve learned to stand up for how I feel about things, and have failed to stand up and tells others how I feel. It has been a long and painful journey, one I’ve been on for years and didn’t even realize it. Despite having to wait for God’s timing, I have grown this semester. God has changed my perspective on a lot of things, opened my eyes to some others, and just overall drawn me closer to Himself. I love Him now more than ever, but I’ve had my fair share of Habakkuk moments where I’ve wondered if bringing the Babylonians to destroy everything was really necessary (thank you Bible College :)). A few days ago, I was talking to my RA and I just was overcome with this sense of peace about every little thing that has caught my attention, convicted me, sparked tears, or really planted itself in my heart that didn’t make sense at the time (and most still don’t). It’s all coming together in this beautiful, big picture. I can’t see the picture or anything about it really, but I have peace knowing that God can see it because he drew, painted, collaged, glittered, and colored it. 😀 Yeah, I thought that was cute. I’m slowly learning to stop focusing on the ink stains of life, as Elisabeth Elliot calls them. You know that guy across from you in the meeting with the pens in his shirt pocket. One has leaked and it’s this annoying blotch on his shirt that he hasn’t noticed yet. You get so caught up in the stain that you forget 99% of the shirt is still clean. This is how we look at life sometimes. I’ve gotten so focused on all my issues and hangups this semester that I’ve forgotten God’s already taken care of that blotch. I’m clothed in a beautiful white dress with “MINE” written all over it because I am Jesus’ beautiful bride just waiting for the wedding day. I’m clothed in the purity of Christ and I no longer have to get stuck on the stain because the Holy Spirit is cleaning it off my heart as I grow closer to the blessed Trinity. I am a daughter of the King (which makes me a princess :-)) and am dearly loved by my Beloved. I’m a mixed bag when it comes to whatever God has in store for the future, because I know it’s not going to be all happy times, but I do know that if it wasn’t hard, it wouldn’t be worth it.

So now, we’re heading home after one more week and I am looking forward to having some time to work through a few things with my family. I’m also traveling to Missouri for the second half of break so hopefully I’ll have pictures and stories about that (there is a potential blind date out there apparently :-/).

I hope you know today that you are dearly loved by your Beloved as well. Times may be hard, you may be really struggling, or things may be going amazingly and you’re just rejoicing through the ceiling. Either way, I pray you find peace this holiday season and find rest in the Baby Lord who came to earth for us. He longs to carry your yolk and takes all your worries and cares because He loves you. He is your husband who loved you to the point of giving up His life for you. Your troubles are nothing for Him to handle compared to that. Love Him this Christmas.

Merry Christmas (and a Happy New Year if you don’t hear from me before then),

April <><

So since I love Christmas songs and this one if my favorite, I thought I’d share a video with you!

Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Despite the title of this post, I wasn’t actually playing. I was a tourist this past Friday when I visited Charleston, SC for the first time. I don’t have the pictures right now, but I’m super excited about putting them up on Facebook so everyone can see them. 😀 I think they’re pretty awesome….but we’ll see how they turn out.

So anyway, I went to Charleston with my friend Liz and it was absolutely amazing! So beautiful and so much history. It was all in all a perfect way to spend part of my fall break. We went down for the day and stayed at her aunt’s house that night (which was a blessing in itself because we didn’t have to pay for a hotel room on top of gas :-)). We went to visitors center and I got pictures of the different languages on the walls. Then we headed out to Waterfront park and tried to visit the museum out there but it was closed. (sad day :-() Then we almost got lost trying to get down to the battery and drove down rainbow row without even knowing it to start with 😀 (good job Liz!). I got some cute souvenirs and took lots of pictures of these awesome dolphins following this fishing boat (this was probably my second favorite part of the trip, the first mentioned later on the beach). We took some super interesting pictures in that park, too. One of the statues was censored…it was pretty funny when I realized it because I kinda thought he was naked at first…thank goodness he wasn’t. Anyway, I walked down Rainbow Row and took lots of pictures of the old houses for my mom (because she loves them) and just really enjoyed the scenery. Then we had lunch at a Charleston exclusive restaurant…Moe’s (j/k we really did eat there, but obviously it’s not just in Charleston). Next, we gave Liz a first time experience by hitting up the Apple Store and updating our Facebook statuses from there…we also wrote on someone else’s wall because they left their profile signed in (tehe!). We hung out on the Mount Pleasant Pier for a bit and almost died because this can shot off the bridge right above our heads!!! Totally freaked us out! But we survived.

To end our evening, we watched the sunset on the beach. Now these are pretty wonderful anyway, but some of my best conversations/worship times with God have been on beaches, so it was really special to me. Things have been rough lately and I was really refreshed from that few minutes on the beach (not to mention the joy of the beautiful sunset :-D). During this time, I decided to call my mom and see if she could hear the waves…she couldn’t, but my dad told me he hoped it was cold and my toes froze off because they were supposed to go to the beach the weekend before and couldn’t…he was just jealous :-). Then, I called my grandma and found out she set me up on a blind date. Of all the people to do that, I never suspected her…but she seems to like him so we’ll see what happens over Christmas break! 🙂

Now, as usual for trips like this, we went to walmart! 😀 Always a necessary stop…..while we were there, I bought How to Train Your Dragon…which turned out to be a super cute movie and a very good choice. I was pretty excited about it!

We finally made it back to her aunt’s house and after watching my purchase, I slept for NINE hours….marvelous!!! 😀 The next morning we stopped by the Charles Pickney House and took a few more super cool pictures. We tried to stop at a plantation but they wanted $17.50 per adult….I said they were crazy and turned around right quick. Then back to home!

Overall I was very satisfied with the trip and was so glad Liz suggested it! 🙂 I enjoyed the sights and the fun but most of all I was reminded that I really needed a break and God was more than willing to let me take the day to just rest in him and enjoy having a bit of fun away from school.

Thanks Lord for an amazingly restful and enjoyable time exploring your creation and adventuring with a friend.

Love from Jesus,

April <><

So for most people, this title either brings up memories of a 90s sitcom or those annoying achy knees from when you were a kid. 🙂 Yeah, me too. However, right now, I’m going through some major spiritual growing pains. Have you ever been there? I’m sure most believers out there can totally identify with me. Last semester here seemed pretty easy. God was working and showing me I was meant to be here and overwhelming me with his grace and majesty. Christianity was working for me. Then I went home for the summer and through various means, fell back into some old habits that I thought were gone. Totally not expecting that. What I can say has come from it though is a desire to get all the junk keeping me from following God with all I am out of my life completely. I remember praying at one point toward the end of last semester that I would do whatever it took to be the person God made me to be. I can’t say he didn’t answer, that’s for sure. 🙂

So I’m fighting this semester. Fighting my flesh and its temporal desires, fighting off the devil when he tries to get footholds in weak spots, fighting with myself when I don’t want to talk about the hard things. The battle is raging. I can only imagine the breakthrough that’s coming, because the night is always darker before the morning. I can truly say, despite the peace that I’m feeling right now, this is probably the hardest time of my life. God is really moving, I can see him as he works through classes, chapel, church, and Beth Moore studies 😀 to get his point across. I don’t trust him. I want to and know I should, but practicing it is hard. I’ve been paralyzed by fear for so long that I’m not even quite sure what it feels like to move anymore. Living day-to-day for God has become a complicated list of things to do and ways not to mess up. I totally identify with the Casting Crowns song “East to West” when it says, “I feel like I’m just one step away from you leaving me this way.” I’ve become the hardest critic I’ve ever had, I have no patience with myself, and I’ve offered myself no grace when I don’t get it right the first time (I know right!). So he’s teaching me how to trust him, but he’s also teaching me that he is a God of growing things, and for those of you who know anything about growing, that is not the fastest means of getting things the way you want them. I desperately want to fix things now and be the perfect Christian. I’ll never be perfect. This road I’m traveling will never be easy because the one I follow was rejected by his own. But I know that my God is the greatest thing of all and more than worthy of my life and praise. So I’ll raise my hands high and surrender myself to him every day, every hour, every minute if need be. He’ll never give up on me. He wants to make me more like his Son, but he’s not in a hurry.

So, I’m trying to un-complicate things. I make everything too hard. Like we were talking about how I don’t trust God the other day, and my friend Sarah says, “Just trust him, April.” Such a novel concept, why didn’t I think of that? I did and it didn’t work. You know why? Because the first time things didn’t go my way, I thought that obviously God didn’t know how I wanted things so I needed to do it for myself. It really is just a matter of doing it though, in all Jesus commands. Don’t be anxious, don’t be afraid, deny yourself, take up your cross, follow me. It’s all in the practice of doing those things. It doesn’t have to be anymore complicated than that because it’s like telling a kid to do something. They’re called to obey, not ask you why or tell you all the reasons they can’t do it, which is what I’ve been doing. I’ve been like, “God, I can’t follow you, I can’t do what you ask because all this stuff stands in the way, I’m too scared, I don’t know enough.” He has an answer for every one of my excuses. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9 My weakness brings him even more glory because I don’t have to do anything, just let him work through me. It really all comes down to just trusting him to work out the plans for my life from his good and perfect will and obeying him when he calls me to do something. That’s it. It gets no more complicated than that. Sanctification is not and never will be about anything I can do. As I seek God, he reveals himself to me and shapes my life so that I become more like Jesus. No matter how much I read my bible, how much I pray, how many time I screw up or won’t forgive myself for something long gone from God’s memory. He is mighty to save no matter what!

Praise be to Abba, Savior, Comforter!!! 🙂

April

Song of the day: Trust and Obey (an oldie but a goodie!)

1. When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
   What a glory He sheds on our way!
   While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
   And with all who will trust and obey.
   • Refrain:
     Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
     To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
2. Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
   But His smile quickly drives it away;
   Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
   Can abide while we trust and obey.
3. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
   But our toil He doth richly repay;
   Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
   But is blessed if we trust and obey.
4. But we never can prove the delights of His love
   Until all on the altar we lay;
   For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
   Are for them who will trust and obey.
5. Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
   Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
   What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
   Never fear, only trust and obey.

So I’ve been back for three weeks now, and though it’s been kinda hard coming off my not so hot summer, things are getting better and God has taught me so much about worshiping Him. I know it’ll get worse before it gets better, but I know that no matter what happens, my Lord is in control and His will is being done.

Despite God opening my eyes to some things in my life He wants to work on, He’s also used my classes (mostly) to reaffirm His calling on my life into missions, specifically unreached people. He’s reminding me that as a member of the body of Christ, it is out of my love for Him and longing to see Him glorified that I should reach out to all people with the gospel. I love waking up each morning and wondering what He’s going to do today. Sometimes my feelings don’t match up with this and I wonder how He could ever care for me, but I’m able to reach back into the Word and know that It is the truth, and not my feelings. He is so good and majestic and awesome.

In chapel the other day we were singing some Chris Tomlin songs and all I could do was cry (in a good way) because God reminded me that His goodness has nothing to do with me. No matter how I’m feeling or what chaos is present in my life, He’s there and He’s just as sovereign as He was when things were going well. I have lots of needs and things I worry about and sin and just issues, but He knows them already and was still merciful enough to give His Son in my place. His wrath has turned from me. He longs to see His name glorified in my life and others’ lives above all else.

I’ve been very self-centered lately (even a bit in this post). Please pray that my focus would turn back to the one it belongs on and my heart would be softened and sinful habits would be cut away. I long to live my life truly for Him and offer myself as a living sacrifice so that all people may see the beauty of my God.

Love from Jesus,

April <><

song of the day: How Great is Our God by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of a King,
clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
and darkness tries to hide
it trembles at his voice,
trembles at his voice

How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great
How great is our God

And age to age He stands
and time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
the Lion and the Lamb,
the Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great,
How great is our God

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
how great is our God
Name above all names
you are worthy of all praise
and my heart will sing
how great is our God

So I was just reading in Romans 12 and came across an interesting verse that I’ve read a bunch of times, but never thought about this way. Verse 16 says “Live in harmony with one another.” Now I know this is not musical harmony but the first thought that popped into my head was harmony, not melody. If you know anything about music, you know that melody is the basic tune that if asked to remember a song, everyone would know. This is the main part of a song usually. Then, you have a harmony line, which is different notes from the melody. Not just any notes, but notes usually from the same chord or something which mesh together to form more complicated patterns in the music.

We’ve been talking a lot at school recently about racial reconciliation, and this verse reminded me of that. God calls us to live together in harmony, not melody. He calls us to live together and love one another despite our differences and because of those differences, not that to live together we must all be the same. He loves diversity and made each one of us unique for that very purpose. So we are most glorifying to Him when we acknowledge our diversity and rejoice in it. Let our praises be a beautiful harmony to you, Oh Lord, and not the same old melody. 🙂

Love from Jesus,

April <><

Song of the day: As Long As You Are Glorified by Matt Altrogge of Sovereign Grace Music

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

So quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart

In You

Not sure why I can’t get the pictures to load….but check it out anyway 🙂

Read the caption on the first photo….then look at the second photo

flipped car

Look at the picture above, and you can see where this driver broke through the guard rail, on the right side of the culvert, where people are standing on the road, pointing. The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph, from right to left, when it crashed through the guard rail. It flipped end-over-end, bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right-side-up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling. The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt, except for minor cuts and bruises. Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on U.S. Hwy 100. Now, look at the second picture below . . . check it out If this guy didn’t believe in God before, do you suppose he believes now? Most Amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen….God is amazing! 😀 Love from Jesus, April <><

So to piggy back on this weeks earlier message, I’m super excited to be here in Columbia! I made it through my first week of classes without too much trouble and am looking forward to all that God has to speak to me over this semester in school and out. I’ll be checking out a new church this weekend which I’m pretty excited about, so pray that God would draw me to the right place for me. That’s all for now….it’s time to have some fun! 🙂 It is the weekend after all!!!

Wow, here I am at Columbia International University after my first day of classes just being in awe of how wonderful God is. Let me tell you what all he’s done for me…

Over these past few months, I’ve been on an amazing ride. I was first introduced to CIU by our new youth minister. He’s an alumni and when he found out I had an interest in missions/full-time ministry, he suggested I check it out. I first came down for Preview Days in September and I fell in love with the place! I stayed with 2 amazingly sweet girls, the people were super friendly, the campus was beautiful, and I could just feel God’s presence. I decided then and there that I had to come back as soon as possible. So I began the admissions process. I applied in October and began sending in transcripts and financial aid and recommendations. I didn’t find out I was in until December, but I knew this was where God was calling me and so kept making plans. Then, when I received my admission letter, I needed a $400 deposit. I knew that the only way I could get this was if God provided. Needless to say, not too long after, I received an envelope with $400 cash by someone I love dearly and felt led to bless me. Once God provided this, I knew He was bringing me to Columbia. There was no doubt in my mind that God would continue to provide a way for me to follow His will and grow closer to Him. Since then, it has been one provision after another. God has blessed me so much with support and prayer from my friends and church, financially, even to work out a roommate match  last-minute. My biggest prayer is that I would continually look back on this situation and see the faithfulness of God through this trial. 🙂

God, I long for my continued time here at Columbia to be honoring to you and to be completely for Your Glory. Proverbs 15:19 says, “The path of the upright is an open highway.” I pray that my life would be upright and that my path would be God’s will and not my own selfish dreams. Change my heart always to be ever more in line with your will, my Lord. May I always lean on you because you are the rock, the firm foundation that my life rests upon. Thank you so much for your grace and mercy and blessings that have abounded beyond all my imagination. 🙂

Love from Jesus,

April <><